The last of the garden weeds had to go. This is war! I worked all morning, up until 2:15 p.m. Then I had to peel my sweaty clothes off and dash into the shower to make a 3 p.m. pickleball date.

Everything was fine until I tried to get my bright orange sports bra on. No time to dry off thoroughly. Time only to pull the sports bra over my still-dewy and moist, blubbery body.

Over the head – bloopety bloopety bloop. That part went fine.

Pull down the front – bloopety blooopety bloop. That also went fine.

But then, trying to pull down the back – all I could say was “Holy bloopety!” The stretchy fabric rolled tight as steel coil. It was stuck above my shoulder blades – inches too high for my hands to grasp from the bottom, around behind, to unroll the tight fabric.

I bent over forwards and tried to unroll it. No go. I did the limbo lean backwards, and tried. Didn’t budge an inch. I tried again – over and over.

It was the most ridiculous I have ever looked, with what looked like a huge, tight, orange rubber band under my armpits, and my pudgy body sticking out every which way right underneath. Why, again, did I put a mirror in my closet? My eyes! My eyes!!!

Finally, I spied my wooden back scratcher – a ten-cent item that has served me well for decades. Eureka! The perfect “grabber” to stretch out behind my shoulder blades, loosen the coil, and get my tightly-coiled over-the-shoulder boulder holder into its proper place.

You men! You just don’t know what we go through!!!

The Bible says there will be neither male nor female in heaven, as we all will be in Christ. Yay! That means no more terrifying sports bras!!!


There is neither Jew nor Greek,

there is neither bond nor free,

there is neither male nor female:

for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.

         — Galatians 3:28

By Susan Darst Williams • 5/21/2020 • • © 2020